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Fourteen years old and wanting to have sex

Hi, I'm a girl of fourteen, and I have a problem. This weekend I’ll sleep at my boyfriend’s house, and both he and I want to have sex. He is also fourteen and we don’t meet often. The reason we want to have sex is that we want to experience intimate contact with someone. We’ve been dating for three or four months. This is a bit awkward, we want to have sex this weekend, but I am a bit afraid of it being painful, or that he doesn’t like it. What do you think I should do?
P.S. I read your website and have been really helped by it.


That’s great that you like our website and that reading it helped you.

When you’re fourteen it’s not unnatural to think about sex. When you have a boyfriend you love then it is normal to want to experience the intimate contact you mention. On the other hand, there’s a big difference between experiencing the desire and actually having sex.

You’ve only been together for three or four months, and you are afraid that sex will be awkward; that it will be painful, and that he will not like it. When one person has sex with another, they share the deepest part of themselves, and are very intimate, so in a situation like this they are very vulnerable to thoughts and feelings like you mention. Relationships you have when you are fourteen seldom last a lifetime, but having sex is a feeling, a memory and a tie you take with you. It can be hard to say ‘no’ to your next boyfriend if you start your sex life now. So you can run the risk of carrying lots of feelings and ties with you into later life.

A lot of people think that their relationship will be better and closer after they have had sex, but often the relationship ends, because the excitement fades when you don’t have anything greater to experience with your partner. At the same time, there is a kind of emotional and spiritual glue in sex, so you run the risk of bonding yourself with someone you don’t actually suit. Therefore it’s best to wait to have sex until you’ve found the person you want to join in a permanent relationship, so you don’t have ties to people who you won’t be with in the future.

So look after yourself, don’t do anything you don’t want to, and which is bad for you. Maybe it will be hard for you to say ‘no’ when you’ve already agreed to have sex, but remember that you can change your mind, so don’t let anyone pressure you to do something you don’t want to. Having sex is not just a nice thing to do, it is something you take with you.

We don’t think it’s a good idea to have sex when you are so young. When you have sex you have to be adult enough to handle the possible consequences, such as for example the chance of getting pregnant, sexually transmitted diseases, emotional ties and rejection. Sex is very intimate and you put yourself in a vulnerable position when you have sex without being married.

Even though you both want to have sex, this is not what you need now. The age of consent in most countries is sixteen (readers please check for your own country), this is because professionals also think that it can be dangerous to have sex when you are too young.

Dating is so much more than sex. Your boyfriend can be your best friend and most important support, but then it’s important to know each other very well. Find fun things to do together, talk about your feelings and thoughts, and focus on being really good friends who stay together in difficult times.

This website offers advice based on the Bible, so we recommend that you wait until you are married to have sex.

YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE: Set your own limits / Wait for me!  /Ten good reasons to wait before you have sex


Best wishes

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