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I want to keep my ex as a friend, but...
Hello. I need some help. Me and my ex broke up about 4 months ago. He's a year older and is in high school now. I still go to the school we both went to. We fought a lot when we were together, and the relationship lasted six months.
Until the last argument happened, and he kind of took the initiative to break up saying it was best for both of us. He said he loved me and has never loved anyone so much before. I took it hard and was sad about 2 months where I lost myself. I just went out and tried to do little things to get him back. He moved on in a very hurtful way. He did everything he said he wouldn't and he did everything he didn't do in the relationship. He was partying a lot, spending a lot of time with girls etc.
It doesn't bother me now, because I'm partly over him. But he did let me down in a way. And hurt me so much that I didn't know what else to do but just forget about him. And all I can think is that he's making a fool of himself the way he's doing it. He's allowed to play around, but I'm not allowed to say anything about it (I don't feel like saying anything either.) But he talks to me completely differently, is extremely disrespectful to me, and makes me feel like a loser. He says things like this to me; that I'm childish and immature, that I'm ruining my life, and that I play hot and ‘cool’ etc. And it just annoys me and destroys my self-esteem. He says I'm ‘surely in that phase’ alas I'm a child and stupid. He really looks down on me and is rude. It hurts when I usually have very good self-confidence.
There was a period when we never spoke, I thought it was best. I never thought about him, but then we met again today at my house. A few days ago, he sent me a lot of photos from when we were together and wrote that he missed that time, etc. I replied briefly that I did too, but didn't say anything more.
He seemed very engaged suddenly, and wanted to talk etc. I thought it was very strange after all the crap he's done to me. And showed that he doesn't care about me at all and made me feel stupid and small. Then we suddenly started talking again and had a good conversation where he spoke to me with respect and was really nice, for the first time in a long time.
So, we agreed to meet at my place. And we've met quite a few times since we broke up, sometimes in the city and sometimes at my place. We've been to my place maybe twice, and we've ended up shagging both times. And it happened again today. We didn't have a particularly good tone before it happened, or he talked to me like I was a bit boring and worthless. But then he lay down and held me. And that's how one thing led to another.
I regret it and feel we won't be talking for a long time now. I feel like we've ruined any chance of being friends when we're doing this. I want to be friends with him. And I don't want to fuck him because I'm over him. But at the same time, it was good and felt right there and then. I think he feels the same way. Then he left afterwards.
But I think it's strange that he's nice and like that sometimes and sometimes rude and angry. I don't know what he wants. When I ask him, he says that if he hadn't cared, he would have removed me completely and never answered me. But I still feel that he doesn't want me and doesn't want to talk to me. I feel like I have no value to him. It would be a lot easier if he respected me and didn't say rude things to me all the time. He's called me a whore, easy to get etc. But I'm not. I'm not easy to get. He worked hard to get me, but the relationship went bad. And all I want is to be friends.
Regret soooo much that we shagged. I don't know why we did it. What am I supposed to do when he makes me feel really stupid, worthless and childish? But at the same time, we're shagging? I feel so awkward because he thinks I'm stalking him and still going after him, even though I'm not.
But the thing is, we were best friends, and I really want to keep him as a friend after all the fun we've had together and everything we've laughed about etc. Next year I'm going to the same school as him. I'm sure his friends look down on me too, and mine look down on him. He’s constantly surrounded by girls, and I was on such a good path away from him. What should I do and why is he acting like this?
Hello!
You ask a lot of questions, and we can't answer all of them, but we will give you some recommendations. You ask why he is like this. We can't know for sure, but you can imagine that it's comfortable for him to maintain some kind of control over you. You have a history together and he can get sex from you if he wants.
You ask what you should do when he makes you feel, among other things, stupid and worthless and that you want to keep him as a friend. You have written your question to us at GuttogJente.no. We are a Christian website that wants to give you answers according to what we believe is right in relation to the Bible. We believe that the Bible is inspired by God and that what it says is for the good of all people. There's a lot about friendship in the Bible, and it says that you're influenced by the people you're with. You can read this, for example, in the book of Solomon's proverbs, chapter 13, verse 20: Walk with the wise and become wise; associate with fools and get in trouble. We believe that all people are infinitely valuable, and all are desired by God. Our advice for you, is to stay away from this person if he makes you feel worthless. You are valuable! Spend time with friends who care about you!
It's hard when you think about others looking down on you. You write that your ex-boyfriend and his friends probably look down on you. We'd like to say that you can't know this for sure. Maybe this is just something you think they do. Regardless of whether they do or not, you don't have to let this control you and your life. What other people think and believe is their responsibility, not yours. If these people aren't good for you, then stay away when you can. If there are situations where you need to be in the same place, you can mind your own business and keep the conversation to a polite minimum if necessary.
The Bible says in many places that sex is part of marriage. We would therefore strongly encourage you to wait with further sex until you are married. Why you should do this may be hard to understand, but feel free to read around the site here and be inspired to have a marriage where you and your husband play each other well, make each other feel loved and valuable. We also believe that sex is best when you live together in a marriage where both have promised to be faithful to each other for the rest of your lives. Remember that you control your body, make conscious choices about who to have sex with and when. Stick to your decision and don't have sex with anyone until the other person is completely ready.
We at BoyandGirl.info wish you the best of luck with your future choices!
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