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Want to wait for marriage before having sex

I’m 16 years old, and want to wait until I’m married before I have sex. Have you got any advice on how I can do that? I want to be aware of this before I find a partner, as then I’ll probably be faced with lots of temptations all the time.

Hi, and thanks for an important question.

It’s really great that you have decided to wait to have sex until you’re married, and also that you are thinking about it and planning for it beforehand. It is much easier if you’re prepared for the temptations and have decided how you want to handle them.

Firstly, it is important that you talk to your future partner about the fact that you have decided to wait and what that means for you. Then you need to talk about what boundaries you are going to have, and how you will help each other to keep to them, and what you will do if you go over those boundaries. Simply agreeing on where the boundaries are is very powerful. Be concrete and practical when you talk about this, as the more concrete you are the easier it will be to relate to those boundaries. Talk regularly about how you are doing, about what is difficult, tempting situations, and what clothes and what kind of touching can lead to sexual arousal. The two of you might have totally different challenges in terms of what arouses you, and it’s important that you listen to each other, have respect for each other, and take each other into account.

Secondly, it is important to set strict limits so that if you do go over the boundary you still have a bit of a margin. For example, if you just set the boundary at sexual intercourse, there is no margin for going over that boundary and you easily risk being caught off guard by the strong emotions which are involved, and then losing control. It is better to be too cautious than to stretch the limits. A lot of people have discovered that it is hard to stop in time if you compromise on the boundaries you have decided on. If you do go over the boundaries you have set, then talk about it and agree on setting the same boundary again. Don’t change the boundaries so that they are less strict.

You might also like: Setting boundaries in a relationship

Thirdly, it is important to understand that sex is more than intercourse. Touching each other’s genitals or stimulating each other sexually apart from intercourse can be just as intimate and personal as intercourse. So, if you have decided to wait until you are married to have sex, then some good advice would be to agree to avoid those parts of the body which are normally covered by underwear, and that includes also not touching those parts through the underwear. Being naked together is so intimate that it only belongs within marriage.

Fourthly, it is important not to spend too much time totally alone with each other. Being alone in a room, or in a house, late at night, or going on a trip together, or staying overnight at the other’s house, can lead to temptations that are too much. Do go on activities together, go out together with friends, and spend time getting to know each other in different settings and situations. This will be an important part of getting to know each other, and developing your relationship.

You might think this sounds really strict, but these are good boundaries to set up if you want to protect yourself from unhealthy bonds, hurt, rejection, bad memories, rumours, jealousy, unhealthy comparisons and so on.

Remember, after you are married you have your whole life to discover the joy of sexuality. Spending time getting to know each other in many different ways is an investment you will both find very worthwhile and enjoyable. If you do not get married, then it is really important not to bind yourself sexually and ‘become one’ with someone. It is possible to live a good, meaningful life without sex.

Best wishes, boyandgirl.info

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