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Marrying Someone Who Has Had Sex

The thought of having sex before marriage was unthinkable for me. Sex has been, and is, something great, something important and exclusive that I wanted to share with my lucky husband, whoever that would be. I decided not to have sex before marriage, even though it was really nice to cuddle my boyfriend when we were just dating.

With these ideas, which I naively thought almost all Christians had, it was actually a huge disappointment when I had to face the fact that my boyfriend had had sex previously.

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I didn’t think so much over it at the start, but the nearer the wedding came, the more often I thought about his previous sex life.

It felt almost like a waste to have lived in purity. He had a clear advantage when it came to knowledge and experience of sex: he knew a lot, I knew nothing. So naturally I spent a lot of time worrying about the wedding night.

Now we’ve been married for a while. 

I think it’s great that he’s been restored and forgiven for the impurity he lived in. He says that he doesn’t think of the other girls any longer, that the past is past. He says that he can’t compare me with the others he’s slept with before as I’m the first one he’s loved. That’s nice to hear.

Nevertheless, it’s still hard to think that it is history. It’s still quite a new thought for me, even though it’s several years since he lived like that.

I understand that two people will try and fail. It doesn’t matter who has done what beforehand, the technical bit of it is just a small part. The ability to understand your partner is just as important. In addition I think that love and feeling secure with your partner are the decisive factors for making sex good.

Although I know this, sometimes I’m unfocused. Even during the intimate times that are only meant for the two of us, I sometimes think of the other girls. From time to time I think, “What has he done with the other girls?”, or “Is he thinking of his ex girlfriend now?”, or “What if he’s got someone pregnant? Imagine if he’s got a child who goes to school?”

I really get turned off by such thoughts.

I believe that you can be forgiven and restored by God if you have lived in sin. I’m so glad about that. But what we don’t talk about so much are the consequences that are still there. Old hurts can be healed, but you can still be infected with AIDS. God can break the bonds to the previous partner(s), but the psychological difficulties can last for many years, either for you, your previous partner, or your future spouse.

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So what should we do about this, we who believe that sex is only for one man and one woman, in marriage? What if we marry someone who has had sex already? It feels like you have to bear the consequences of something you’ve never been part of.

I don’t have many answers, but has gradually helped us to talk about it with each other and with God.

I thank God that He has restored my husband from the sin he lived in, and pray continually for healing for the wounds his past has created in my heart.

‘“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”’ (Jeremiah 29:11).

The prophet Jeremiah received these words when the Israelites were in captivity in Babylon. They thought that their situation couldn’t get any worse. But these words ensured them that the Lord still had good plans for them. The same is true for us today. The mistakes of the past don’t need to destroy the hope we have for the future. Ask God to forgive things that have happened before, and help you and your partner to make good choices now and to look forward to a bright future together.

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