Gå til innhold
☰ Menu

Help with identity and relationships

Hello. I would like help from you in the area of identity and relationships. Hope it is appropriate to write about it here.
I have great difficulty in feeling and knowing that I am truly loved, accepted and accepted for who I am. For a while it helped that I had two good non-Christian friends around me who I realized loved me. But in time, these ties have become much smaller, through jealousy and selfishness. How am I meant to relate to others around me? Is it only from God that I am meant to feel loved?
All I want now is almost to rather lose my feelings, and not go around destroying relationships around me, because of selfishness and the need to be loved.
I see that it may not be the best and safest thing to build all my identity on people around me who may fail, not least because of what I have been through.
But I find it difficult to build my identity on God. God seems "distant", and is someone who cannot be seen, but who must be felt, at the same time not dependent on emotions. It is also difficult to believe that he is a good God. In any case, I will not just come to God with my problems, based on pure selfishness.
I have some Christian people around me, but I find it difficult to be completely open and honest with them, and I am bound by a lot of fear.
How will I feel loved?

Thank you in advance for your reply

Hello and thank you very much for your question.

Identity and relationships are a difficult, but very fundamental and important part of life. You are dealing with absolutely essential matters in life with your questions, and it is not easy to answer comprehensively and personally in a column like this. We would therefore recommend that you seek an adult you trust, or go to a church where you live and talk to a leader or pastor about these questions. It can be difficult to struggle with these thoughts all alone. You need someone to listen to you and reflect with you on the experiences you have with your relationships and the thoughts you have about you and God. Also read the other answers we have around the topic of self-image and identity.

Read: How can I improve my self image?

We are not born with a ready-made identity. A good or bad self-image is something that develops throughout life and is built up or teared down in relation to our achievements and relationships. By self-image is meant the sum of the impressions and thoughts an individual has about himself and his place in relation to other individuals and society in general. It is important to have a fundamentally good self-image, because if you have a low self-image, it will impact both oneself and the relationships one is in.

An image of how we humans handle identity and relationships can already be found in the creation story. Self-image is formed based on who we choose to listen to and what we choose to reflect ourselves in, and when Adam and Eve were created they quite naturally derived their identity and acknowledgments from God. They were naked and not ashamed because they were confident in God's love and that they were good enough for him. They were secure because they derived their identity and recognition from above, from God. After the Fall, they lost their close relationship with God and began to evaluate themselves in relation to each other. Then they suddenly felt the need to hide because they were ashamed of being naked. They derived their value from each other and what the other thought suddenly became significant, but also uncertainty. It is a risk to link our value to what others think of us and to reflect ourselves in each other instead of reflecting ourselves in God. When we reflect ourselves to others  and derive our value from what others think of us, we become afraid to not be enough. 

It seems that your self-image and identity waver in the face of other people and that you long to look for the people who can help you feel loved and valuable. If they like you, you're good and if they don't like you, you're not good. You think you need people around you who can give you a stable self-image. And yes, all people need someone around them who loves and acknowledges them, but what you need first and foremost is to find your identity in God, so that you can have a firm and stable point of reference for your worth without being so dependent on the people around you.

Read: Want to get rid of negative thoughts

As for the longing to feel valuable, it is a basic need, given by God. And our value lies precisely in the fact that we were created by God. God is the artist who has put his signature on us and given us value, not because of who we are, but because of who God is. Since God has given us value, we long to feel that value. It is also only God who can make us feel this value fully and it is only he who can make us feel completely unconditionally loved. If we do not rest in God with our value and identity, we will hunt for value through other channels.

We essentially spend our whole lives on the project of being loved and feeling valuable, and everything we do will be intended to either increase this value or preserve it. We can use people, work, sex, sports, hobbies, money, power and all possible means in the pursuit of feeling valuable and significant.

Read: Elsker Gud meg som jeg er (Norwegian)

God wants you to reflect yourself in Him and find your identity in Him. He wants to fill your interior with his Word and with his love. He will tell you that he loves you and has shaped and created you unique and irreplaceable. He has eternal plans for you. If you spend time listening to God's thoughts, he will fill you up with security and peace and you will tolerate that not everyone likes you at all times. You may believe that; When God is for me, who is against me? Nothing can shake me when I have him by my side.

When you have established such a secure self-worth, a good identity and a stable self-image, you will be able to tolerate that your relationship value and performance value vary through different phases in life.

Your relationship value is strengthened when you receive recognition for who you are as a person. When someone appreciates you and who you are as a person, you feel that your self-esteem increases. ​In the same way, your performance value will increase when you get things done, when you get good results and perform well. When you master things and receive praise from others, it boosts your self-esteem.

Read: To love is to be vulnerable

Being in a relationship with other people is about being vulnerable. One receives and gives and experiences happiness and disappointment. If you want to have close relationships, you have to open up, and if you open up, you risk being hurt. It is a dilemma that is always present in our relationships and rejection is a painful but natural part of life. But with a secure identity in God, you will gain strength to endure and find security in the fact that you are valuable and that you are worth loving.

Also read:
Never good enough

We would recommend you to read the book "Walls of my Heart" by Dr. Bruce & Barbara Thompson, and if you have the opportunity, attending a course that addresses these very topics would be very useful for you; Hjertefokus.no

Kind regards, Guttogjente.no

We are in the process of translating the full content of this website to English.
Translated material will be published consecutively as soon as it is ready.
There are about 1300 questions with answers, as well as many articles that need to be translated. 
We ask for your patience and understanding for this.