Gå til innhold
☰ Menu

Soon to be married

Hi! I'm getting married soon, but I've got a few worries buzzing round in my head. I'm scared he mightn't like my looks. We're both Christians and have the same plans and values, so we seem to suit each other.

However, I feel he's made loving me a choice, (since love is a choice, not a feeling) rather than loving me for who I am. So I don't feel sure he likes me, really! I tried to tell him I was afraid he didn't.
It took him a long time to decide he wanted me and he was very unsure of himself. He says that he gradually saw what a good heart I had and that's what made him want me. Of course I know it's the inside that is supposed to count, and all that, but I do want to have someone who really does think I'm beautiful, too.

Could be that all this is because I've got lots of bad ideas about myself. I used to suffer from eating problems before, and those days all my values were about my appearance. I'm better now, but I still struggle with my self-image.

He commented that "neither of us are fashion-models". Actually, I think he is good-looking and could be one, really. Ha ha! So I maybe I'd hoped he would say the same back to me even though I'm not exactly a smasher.

It feels a bit stupid and kiddish to let this bother me. Do you think it's normal that when a man marries a girl he thinks she's the most beautiful one around (both on the inside and the outside)? Is it too much to for me to want him to think I'm really beautiful and not "just" good-looking? Maybe I've been ruined by all those romantic films where a man is totally obsessed with his girl and thinks she's best on the planet?


Thanks for your honest and very personal question, and daring to be so open. You're at a really exciting point in your life and making a really important decision. It's so good that you dare to let you take your own feelings and thoughts seriously, and that you look for advice. Wish more people would!

You say how you both feel you have the same values and aims in life, you both believe in Jesus and feel you make a good couple. But now you've come to the crux of the matter where you give yourselves to each other, get married and promise to stay together "till death do you part".

Your challenge is feeling unsure how much he thinks you're beautiful, actually. You mention your own background of bad experiences happening because of your poor self-image. You mention that you think you put too much stress on bad experiences and eating disorders and how you still struggle with your self-image. You you feel you want him to think you're beautiful on the outside too. But you're not sure how reasonable it is to feel that way. As you say: love is supposed to be about choices, not feelings.

First we want to say that we think you have done a good job of thinking all this through. You're able to look at you two from the outside and still stay true to your own inner feelings and needs. You also wish to be open about them. Super!

When you want to be thought not just merely beautiful – but, the most beautiful of brides- by the man you love and mean to give yourself to, not only is it right, it comes from God! The Song of Songs is pretty clear and says lots in praise of love. And yes it's true that (when all is said and done,) love starts in the will and the choice to love somebody else; but that is not to say your feelings don't enter into it. They most certainly do! The choosing bit starts when we first discover the other person is beautiful, and then it stays alive because we keep on finding more of the beauty of the other person and their thoughts and feelings. Even though choosing is the foundation, the house you build upon it is much more than just "choices".

The Song of Songs talks of love as something that gets woken up (Song of Songs 2,7 and 3,5). It it tells of two people getting drunk on each other's beauty. It is absolutely about appearance, but in the Bible's perspective the outside and inside are two sides of the same coin. It's us humans who try to separate things and then start comparing. If you compare one bit of  your own body with somebody else's, sooner or later you're bound to end up a loser. But it's what the parts all make when you put them together that makes up your beauty, every bit of your body making up one whole.

So how about the question whether it's normal for the husband to think the woman he's marrying is the most beautiful of all? (Both on the outside and the inside?)

There are basically two kinds of beauty. The first one it the impression people get at first glance. The other is the kind that grows over time. When that happens, the other person just seems to grow more and more attractive. It's one thing to see somebody's nice smile and be charmed by it. It's another to see a smile when you know what's behind it, when you know what thoughts and joys and pains are hidden in it.

When people fall in love, their first impressions can vary such a lot. Maybe some of them feel first time round that they've just met the most beautiful creature on the planet. Most do not. Mostly, the other person seems to get more and more lovely as time goes on, once they carry on being friends and getting to know each other, and through the love they start showing each other. When this doesn't happen, then a couple usually find out they're not such a great match after all. But when it does happen, then it carries on and on after the wedding. Unfortunately, too many people make too much fuss about "love at first sight", and too little fuss about the kind of love that grows gradually, and has to be worked on. We'll say a bit more when we go to the next question.

So far then, we suppose the answer has to be both "yes" and "no".

Some really do think the person they're about to marry is "the fairest of them all". But normally they mean the whole person by this, not just their appearance. What makes them think it, will differ from person to person. At the same time there are other people who say  "this person was the right choice for me, so I choose them" or "that one's the best I can expect", and by making something out of their relationship end up finding their partner more and more lovely. It's how people work at their marriage that ends up making the difference, rather than which starting-point they had.

Read: Soul mates? 

Now I'll get to the last question and deal with it. You ask if you could've been ruined by all those romantic films with a man obsessed with a woman and thinking she's the best in all the world?

Well, saying "ruined" is going too far. But it's no exaggeration to say that Hollywood's picture of what a relationship is, and how it starts, is a total over-simplification and messes up the picture the Bible gives us. Hollywood is all focused on physical attraction, feelings of being in love without any committment. It makes human love the centre and starting-point of meaning and satisfaction and pushes God off stage. The Bible paints a different, richer picture.

The way the Bible sees it, Meaning, Purpose, Completion and deep Satisfaction are found in God, not in that special "other half". Only God really knows who you are and can confirm your value. Only He can give you proper meaning, satisfaction and significance. True beauty is something springing up from inside you – from a beautiful character, thoughts, feelings and attitudes – this is the inner beauty that God cultivates in us step by step while we live our lives in friendship with him (Romans 12,2). Whatever our starting point, His life within us makes us more beautiful – not through a Hollywood facelift – but through God changing us to become like him.

So relationships and marriage are about giving yourself to each other – not because of something missing – but so you can enjoy each other as God's gift to each other. It's all about putting this in a safe setting filled with love and respect so new life gets the best conditions to grow up in. At their best, your feelings will bubble over in gladness cos' you've been so lucky to find each other that it moves you to tears. And when the going gets tough, you'll be able to forgive each other, put up with each other, and look out for the best for, and believe the best for each other.

Read: Fear of Failing   

The next question to consider is whether it's too much to ask that he thinks you're really attractive and not just good looking? (We suppose that you mean your appearance, when you write this)

This also is a good question. Obviously it's important that someone thinks you're (outwardly) beautiful, no matter whether it began the first moment, or grew as time went on. So what can you expect, then? We think there are two pitfalls to avoid: the first is him not really thinking at the outset that you're physically attractive, and not feeling there's an improvement later. This can easily lead him to not backing you and your appearance up, and not feeling attracted to you or channeling his sexual energies in your direction. The other pitfall is when you feel you've always have to be the most beautiful thing in sight. It will makes you incredibly vulnerable, because all kinds of changes not under your control are going to happen, like falling sick, getting injured, or simply growing older.

In the long run you're the one who's got to decide what matters to you. All the same we've got some tips for you, since you're asking:

Let God show you more of who you really are; nobody can do the job like He can, -not a boyfriend nor anybody else. After all: it is God who made you! He's also the one best to at fixing any wounds you've gotten underway. If you know a Christian leader or counsellor you trust, maybe you can meet up with them for a while and talk and pray things over. That could also be useful. Besides this, there are helpful courses like "Heart Focus" you might've heard of.

Is it more important to bother with how you compare to others, or more important how you look in his eyes and more important how he confirms how beautiful you are? Are his opinions and under-pinnings the most important bit for you? What you put your focus on will grow over time; for something good will happen between you if he tells you how beautiful he thinks you are, when he does this over time and in various ways. 

Read : Comparing Yourself with Others 

Be open about all this with your boyfriend. Tell him that you want and need him to tell you he finds you attractive physically. It's not impossible he's actually holding back on it because he's scared it would be unhealthy for you as it's been a problem before. Try to be honest with each other as well. Talk about how you can confirm and underpin each other in a healthy way, and light a spark. Try to listen out more for what he sees in you, than to go pining for something he possibly is overlooking.

At the same time, it also matters that you work on your own self-image for your own sake, so you know that you know how important and valuable you really are; that you already are good enough the way you are. Then you won't be too dependent on constant feelgood feedback to help you. It can be tiring for a partner to think they've got to always have to flood you with compliments to make you to feel nice about yourself. And as we said before: some changes in your looks can't be avoided. So it's vital that the focal point of your love is not mainly on outward appearance. 

Read: Building up your Self-imageA Reflection of God and My Worth 

Sorry this answer is so long, but we hope it gives you some help and new perspectives. Good luck!

All the best, GirlnBoy.no

We are in the process of translating the full content of this website to English.
Translated material will be published consecutively as soon as it is ready.
There are about 1300 questions with answers, as well as many articles that need to be translated. 
We ask for your patience and understanding for this.