Hi, I’m a girl who’s had the same boyfriend for three years now. We have a really healthy relationship built on Christian values. I grew up in a Christian home, where church was a big part of our daily lives. I am a leader for the ‘Confirmation’ faith course for 14-year-olds, and I’m really involved at church I love God and have a strong relationship with Him. Recently I’ve noticed that my boyfriend has distanced himself a bit from church. He grew up in a non-Christian family and has some difficulties with his faith. Today he told me that he doubts his faith and that he thinks going to church is boring. I find this very difficult, as I want a boyfriend who has a faith as strong as mine, someone I can look up to and someone who encourages me to read the Bible, go to church, pray and so on, but my boyfriend is not like that. I love my boyfriend and I don’t know what to do. I’m really afraid that if I break up with him, he will totally reject everything to do with God, I don’t want that to happen. What should I do? Have you got a good answer?
Hi, and thanks for your question.
We can only give you general advice and help you to reflect a bit round the problem you’re facing, as we don’t know you or your boyfriend.
The first thing to mention is that it’s good that your boyfriend is honest with you and tells you that he doubts and that he finds it boring going to church. In a relationship it’s so important that each person is open and honest with the other about what they are feeling. It is natural to have a lot of difficult questions and experience doubt in relation to faith, and it is healthy to reflect openly on these questions with solid Christians. Many times people can grow in faith and grow together by reflecting over their faith and doubts, and studying the Bible together. However, at other times doubts can lead to unbelief and lead to a distance in the relationship. It’s also important to remember that influence can go both ways, you can influence him with your faith, but he can also influence you with his doubts.
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You mention that you would like a boyfriend who would encourage you to read the Bible, go to church, pray and so on. These are great things to desire of a boyfriend. Relationships where you have spiritual fellowship and pray together have the potential to be good, strong and lasting.
You have been together for three years and have a good relationship. We don’t know how old you both are, but when you are a teenager there are a lot of changes taking place in many areas of life. Your personality, faith, attitudes, values, interests and focus can change and can perhaps lead to a greater difference between you in terms of choices, lifestyle, habits and boundaries in the late teen years.
Some people don’t think it’s a problem to have a non-Christian boyfriend or girlfriend: when people date they are often so in love and positive to each other that there doesn’t seem to be a problem. But as the relationship develops there can be challenges for example in terms of activities, interests, films, alcohol, physical boundaries and sex.
The fact that you are in love with your boyfriend now, doesn’t necessarily mean that you would be a good married couple, it’s important that you do not let your feelings decide who you choose.
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Most of us have friends and family who have different faith, opinions and values from our own, but we still love them and enjoy their company. But having a husband (or wife if you are a man) who doesn’t share the same faith and values would be much more challenging since you will be sharing your whole lives with each other. In that case it’s important to stand together, support each other, understand each other and have the same goals. It says in 2 Corinthians 6:14 that we should not marry someone who doesn’t have our faith, because faith is such a central part of our lives, and for fellowship, understanding and unity, for choices, habits, lifestyle, interests, activities, values and for attitudes.
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You write that you have been together for three years. That’s quite a long time to date. What do you want in this relationship? Do you want to find the man you will share the rest of your life with? If you want to find ‘Mr Right’ then we would recommend that you think clearly though what qualities you think are most important for you. Can your boyfriend be this man?
if you find out that your boyfriend is not that man, and if you stop the relationship, do explain to him why you do not see a future in the relationship. It is important that you make your own choice in this. His faith is not your responsibility. God is big enough to lead new people into his life if that is what he needs to bring him back to faith. If you are his girlfriend in order to save or help him, then it is the wrong basis to be his girlfriend. You can influence him just as much without being his girlfriend. If you do break up, and he leaves his faith, then he is not a Christian on the right foundation (see John 3:3).
If you do not want to find ‘Mr Right’ at this time, then you need to evaluate whether it is right to be his girlfriend. In this case you are actually already planning to break up and you are in a sense deceiving him. The longer you are together, the more painful it will be to break up. If you choose to continue the relationship and wait to see what happens, then you need to be aware what you are giving of yourself to your boyfriend. Be very careful to maintain a clear conscience before yourself and God.
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If you still wonder what you should do, seek God in prayer and talk with a leader in your church, or another adult Christian who you know and trust.
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Best wishes, boyandgirl.info