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Recently I’ve felt a real need to get a boyfriend. I’ve never had a boyfriend before, and I’ve never really longed for one, but now I’m thinking about it almost all the time.

I long to have someone to share everything with, and someone who loves me for who I am. Part of the reason why I feel like this is maybe because I’ve just moved to a new town, and I don’t know anyone here. I often feel lonely, and I don’t have any friends here. I’ve been to some youth meetings, and met other Christians of my age there, but I find it hard to get to know people. I’m quite an introvert, and I rarely make a real effort to talk to people. That probably makes it hard for people to get to know me, too.

My question is: Have you got any advice about how I can start thinking about other things, apart from longing to have a boyfriend? And have you got any tips on how I can meet new people more easily, for example when I’m at a youth meeting?

From a girl of 20.

Hi girl of 20!

You write about your feelings in a mature way. If you sense that your desire for a boyfriend is mostly because you haven’t got any friends in your new town, then I think you’re doing the right thing in taking initiative to meet people and focussing on getting good friends first. If your longing is for someone who will appreciate you and who can share your joys and sorrows, then a friendship is something that can satisfy your longing. And friendship is a good way to start a romantic relationship, so it’s good to start with that.

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There are a lot of people who are introvert and perhaps shy. It might be that the people you’ve already met are also introverts. That can lead to them not being so good at taking initiative to include you. One thing that can help is to think that when you come to a new place, there’s nobody who knows you or how you are, so you have an opportunity to choose to be more outgoing (even though it can be challenging). Just take initiative and say ‘hi’ to people and join them. You might find that a lot of people are happy that you took the initiative, and when you’ve started, it will become easier. 

Something else you can do is to see if anyone else is on their own. They will probably appreciate the fact that you take initiative, say ‘hi’ to them, and ask them if they want to do something together. If you find it hard to take initiative, it might be because you are a bit uncertain of yourself and think that you don’t want to disturb the other person. However, it’s only after you make some friends that you get feedback and find out that ‘I am a good person who others like to be with, and who can make others happy.’

If you don’t take initiative, you can quickly get into a negative, downward spiral (you become more lonely and more unsure of yourself and take even less initiative). However, it can also become a positive spiral if you do take initiative (you become more sure of yourself, get more friends, and take initiative more easily). Even if you take initiative sometimes and it doesn’t go as planned, you’ve still shown courage and done something that you found difficult, and you’ve matured by doing this. And you’ve still won more than you’ve lost. As time goes on you will make friends and you can be part of a group of people who take initiative to meet new people in the town who may be lonely.

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And there’s one more positive thing: the more secure you are in yourself, the more able you will be to know what kind of boyfriend is good for you, and who you can be good for.

Remember that you have something to give others, and that they will be blessed to know you. Be good at encouraging people, at being thankful and at taking initiative, and then the chances of you being lonely will be much less.

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How to be outgoing
It's hard to know what to say
I've tried hard to make friends

Best wishes, boyandgirl.info

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